Looking back over five years after the outbreak of sarscov2, I feel partly ashamed how much I pushed myself into nearly ruining my life. This is very much another story than of those who fell victim of the virus itself, eventually leading to their death or chronic disease. I won’t talk about long covid here and I certainly won’t compare my tale of woe with their suffering. For many years I dedicated my concern, passion and time for all but myself. I would have continued in the same intensity if I hadn’t a full-time job and personal challenges to attend to. There are quite a few people who feel betrayed or irritated by me, allegedly switching sides and stopping advocating for zero covid or zero infection at all. Main hypothesis is that I have given up and went into cognitive denial of the still ongoing pandemic to justify my actions. But the true reasons for which I changed my mind about assigning covid prevention the main priority run much deeper and need some explanation and clarification. I also feel the urging need to losing heavy weight on my mind about how I acted especially in the final phase of the pandemic and afterwards. Of course I’m not illusionary about how many people who denied covid in the first place, went to militant denial demonstrations and attacked persons verbally and physically should look back, too. But this is my blog, my active period in the pandemic and I can only look at my role here.

First of all I didn’t volunteer to be an activist in the pandemic. I have been and I am still rather active in social media because unlike other people of my age, I don’t have family or regular club meetings, so plenty of spare time. Moreover, I’m autistic and feel more confident with texting at first although I’m often not very happy with the outcome. Finally I always loved to read and write and I had several websites and blogs well before the pandemic.

Getting pushed into the role of activism

At the end of January 2020 I just returned from a stay at a health resort (Bad Mitterndorf, Upper Austria) for treatment of my chronic foot injury (bone marrow edema due to overstressing). I had to cancel hiking holidays for that reason in the year before and have been looking forward to extend my plans again after the injury was healed. I met some other patients at the health resort and we spent time together (talking, hiking tours) and I made some New Year’s resolutions. In february we all heared the news of the growing fears of a pandemic but I didn’t follow many medical or virological twitter accounts at that time. This might have been one of the reasons for which the upcoming first lockdown hit me fast and without much preparation. All my plans cancelled with the first lockdown. It isn’t approprioate to compare fears but my situation has been somewhat special within my social and working environment, alone in Austria, my parents and brother far away in Germany, with closed borders in between. The fear of infection, of the inability to manage the illness alone and dying alone dominated my thinking for months, even years. I had panic attacks and couldn’t work the first weeks after lockdown, until I got used to the new situation. I couldn’t share the fear with someone physically present. I only saw the solution in gaining as much knowledge as I could about the disease itself to lessen the fright, to better manage my fears by taking a scientific perspective. So that’s the origin of this blog, rather a therapeutical one than seeking for activism.

After a few weeks I knew where to get information from, mostly of course by virologist Christian Drosten in the public podcast. I also followed Dr. John Campbell’s youtube channel, a retired nurse teacher who discussed new data and preprints for a growing audience. Some of his conclusions were wrong, he blew the importance of vitamine d for severe disease up, but for providing basic facts (age, risk factors, transmission, etc.) it has been sufficient. Listening to podcasts distracted me from my own fears and catastrophic thinking. In May 2020 I’ve written the first large summary about the current state of evidence (in my view). I didn’t get everything right at that time, especially about masks and treatment/prevention (vitamine d, role of quarantine) but I did get much about right (transmission, diagnostics) and also mentioned that scientific consensus of virologists has been that despite existing mutations essential elements of viral DNA remain constant and a potential vaccine will address all variants circulating at that time (Dearlove et al. 2020, preprint in April 2020). We didn’t know about Alpha and subsequent variants at that time reshaping immunity landscape, but first results were still promising for rapid vaccine development. At the end of the blog entry I explicitely underlined that I studied meteorology, not medicine. The readership for my blog started growing after I published it on my twitter account, and I felt appointed to increase my efforts to act as a “citizen journalist”.

I also want to be clear that I didn’t stay at home as often as I could during the active phase of the pandemic. Thanks to my “Tourenbuch” (hiking diary) I recorded about 200 hiking tours from the begin of the pandemic to May 2023. So I went outside quite frequently, even during all the lockdowns. I’m bad (not very creative) at cooking meals at home so I used any opportunity to get food elsewhere, like take-away or alpine huts (lunch counter). I resumed going to the train bord restaurant (Austrian Railjet, german ICE) as soon as possible. One of the first things I resumed in 2022 has been going to the staff canteen, a big room with good fresh air supply according to my aranet4. We also had (still have) displacement ventilation in our office (max 4-5 co-workers at that time), the most ideal type of ventilation, and no confirmed infection until the end of the PHEIC. So most of the time I didn’t wear a mask at work. I wasn’t a strict masker from the beginning. I did frequent hand washing but stopped soon after I learned about the exaggerated risk of fomite infection.

Overstepping boundaries

I felt having a vocation for taking the lead role for my colleagues as well, by teaching scientific findings through our more or less official channels (mostly e-mail and whatsapp). In retrospective I think I overstepped the boundary a few times and my recommendations have been premature and erratic when I had to correct myself after learning that I misinterpreted a statement or followed bullshit accounts. Some co-workers felt annoyed by my messaging but I thought they were wrong and continued, supported by a significant internet audience. The truth is that I had nothing else at that time, no family or children, and I could not think of doing something unrelated to the pandemic to distract myself.

My actions during the first two years already put a heavy strain on friendships, on colleagues. It wasn’t solely about dealing with infection risk and uncertainty of getting severe illness. It was also about voicing personal concerns and leaving comfort zones. I do not regret to be cautious at that time but how I communicated it. I remember sending a long e-mail to my former industrial psychologist about scientific findings regarding long covid risik, to justify wearing a mask during in-present session. He insisted to meet personally afterwards and carpeted me for it. He stated I had an anxiety disorder because I wanted to protect myself in late 2022. After three vaccine doses and one breakthrough infection he didn’t need a mask anymore. I still think that being cautious at that time (mixed omicron variants, waves in short intervals, no adapted booster) was reasonable and should be acknowledged by a professional psychologist. However I should not have taught him like a school boy about things I didn’t understand myself (but didn’t know that). In fact I damaged an important link for help in another matter of importance. I could not seek him for help anymore after that incident.

In fact this is one of the major learnings of the pandemic, that even in the face of such a prominent risk, there are still other matters of interest or concern. Main challenge is to address both the imminent situation and not neglect the matter at hand. I could still have worn my mask while attending the sessions but stayed focused on the matter I originally wanted his help for. The same thing happened some months after it when I looked for another professional to get help for work. That was in the year 2023. She did not wear a mask but the window of her office was open. I could only look at her blank face and thought too much about it. Therefore I had my doubts trusting her advice. She wasn’t disrespectful by purpose and I overexaggerated the risk. This whole “why does she not wear a mask?” thing distracted me the whole time from finding solutions for my real problems. I vaccinated every 6 months against covid without official recommendations. I didn’t know anyone similarly healthy being more vaccinated than me. In all these situations where I got mad at people I “fetched” support from my twitter followership alias zero covid cult, that I was right to be upset, to justify my feelings.

To err is human

While visiting my – still symptomatic – parents at Christmas 2022, I got a nasty respiratory infection camouflaging as reflux which I had frequently before my gall bladder removal. So yes – I acted like the same assholes I used to accuse for years for their inpolite behavior. I confused the razorblade sore throat with reflux. I did twice an antigentest remaining negative. No Covid. I attended dinner and while driving home with the train, I sat in the bord restaurant (mostly wearing a mask but not always). Later I visited a primary medicine doctor (wearing a mask) but we were going for a walk without a mask. I still only had this sore throat aching. We did our regular hike the day before New Year’s Eve, not wearing a mask. Then the symptoms became stronger (because I didn’t go easy on myself) and a doctor confirmed that I had a respiratory virus (not covid). I behaved wrong all the time suspecting reflux, my old friend. Same thing happened again in mid-july when I had my first covid infection. I suspected reflux, attendend to my night shift, even per bicycle. I didn’t wear a mask at work. I didn’t test. Later at home when I felt very ill I tested and isolated myself after the faint positive line. I also suspected later I had a little rebound with presumed reflux symptoms again but I already went to work then.

Yes, there were and there are definitely a lot of people who cough and sneeze and still attend social meetings or work. They do not wear a mask, they do not test. They do show egoistic behavior. No doubt about it. Then things like the incidents above just happen. Mistaking symptoms for another cause, relying on it, maybe wishful thinking, maybe imprinted experience (in fact, I only have reflux symptoms at times when I have eaten something very fatty, like “Schweinsbraten”, “Rippchen mit Sauerkraut” or “Gansl”). It is human to misinterpret symptoms unless very obvious illness signs surface – like bodyache, chills, high fever, etc. Therefore, generally mandatory masks as well as lockdown measures were necessary to reduce covid transmission. Not only because of the asymptomatic/presymptomatic thing.

Again – I also made mistakes with prevention. Followers have been looking up at me as if I were the “god of prevention”. But I was not. I was human like everyone else. It should be an incentive not to be too hard on your environment and also not on yourself. We are not perfect and it is arrogant to assume we could zero the risk all the time.

Risking the job

2023 has been a very difficult year for me. The non-covid infection has left me psychologically vulnerable. I recognized that I could wear a mask all the time but a simple family visit could bring the infection over me. I did not want to wear a mask at home. How should we eat together? It was impossible. If I could not trust my own parents whom could I trust?

Bottom line: I went into burnout (indefinite sick leave) and wrote a blog entry. Unfortunately, some guy at twitter needed to copy the entry 1:1 and shared it with his big followership. Some colleagues of mine saw it. After a short break I continued to twitter and blog despite sick leave. I didn’t know what else to do. A health resort rehabilitation was out of question for me, too high the risk of infection. I’ve been convinced that we were still amidst the pandemic and needed protective measures. The world has gone crazy about it. Collective denial. I argued with the major consensus narrative that the pandemic was thought to be over. But pandemics also end societally. I initially believed the majority has been brainfucked by repeated infections, losing intelligence and empathy. I translated conspiracy theories without recognizing the impossibility of it.

I risked much by insisting on controlling every infection. Not only among friendships and circle of aquaintances. I’ve lost some of them and they never came back. Some persons said I got on the wrong track during the pandemic, becoming obsessed of staying non-infected (=/= healthy, there are other health issues, too).

And still it was not over. In summer 2023 I warned because of the JN.1 variant and felt obliged to be the messenger again, instead of health authorities. I tried to install air purifiers in an ill-defined ventilated working room we used while our office was reconstructed. I tried to argue for indefinite installation but didn’t convince my superiors. Main argument against it: There are other infection sources too. I didn’t want to accept it and pushed hard against it until my therapist urged me to stop it. It would harm myself. In retrospective, again, the main argument was right. I could not see that at this time because I avoided most of the other infection sources. In general, ventilation was not bad at work. Short-distance transmission could not be prevented. Most transmissions occur at home, especially with kindergarden and school children, they happen when people meet together in the restaurant or family celebrations. Three of my four infections since 2022 happened in such a way. The risk reduction at work in our settings with an additional air purifier would have likely not been measureable, nor verifiable. I wasn’t able to see it assuming the wrong basic conditions, that I would be possible to stay away from other people indefinitely and “the only risk for infection” would then be the working place. Side note: My efforts actually had a positive impact – the benefit of air purifiers by cleaning dust from the air is still honored until today.

Dehumanizing is not life-saving

I didn’t change my mind into the opposite. Neither do I advocate for let it rip strategy now nor do I deny the burden of long covid and the residual risk of each infection. Since the pandemic I try to keep my vaccinations updated, including influenza. I still prefer meetings outside and avoid crowded rooms – I did that before because of being on the autism spectrum. I won’t unlearn everything I learned about long covid and mecfs. I know some affected people and I believe them.

I also learned about the harm coming from keeping infections as the main priority in life. We are human beings and humanity thrives through being social most of the time. I feel deeply sorry about how I prejudged other people for months, even years, simply because they dared to cough or sneeze in a dusty, dry room. With some months of distance most of them, including co-workers, are nice and caring people and I like working with them. I can disagree with someone who is against vaccination but still have a nice time as long as it doesn’t endanger my health. I have to admit there are levels of grey instead of black or white. Most of the time I didn’t say anything but probably have shown my disapproval by the look of my face. Then I felt to urge to twitter about it, to get confirmation (bias) virtually to justify my feelings.

I feel sorry that I’ve been deeply mistrustful for all the well-disposed people. Most of them tested regulary, they have worn a mask. The group does control itself. People still test when symptoms surface. Sometimes it needs a little push to do it. I could have needed it with my fake reflux symptoms. Maybe everyone else thought that I already did that – me, the god of prevention. I expected such high moral standards from everyone else but couldn’t follow them when it was reasonable.

Health minister Johannes Rauch said in March 2022: Health is in my view not only the absence of covid. I still think the statement has been wrong at that particular time within the pandemic, as he tried to justify getting rid of protective measures or not intensifying them during the ripping omicron waves. In 2022 a similar amount of deaths has been recored as in 2020. The health minister has failed. The statement was true, however, with respect to collateral damage. There are also other health issues. It should have been possible to address these ones without downplaying the risk of covid in 2022 and 2023.

All that I learned in the recent couple of months is that health is not the absence of covid. To control every theoretical infection risk is impossible. You will lose so much on the way to achieving it. Immunologist Marc Veldhoen gets regular ad hominem insults for speaking out that we cannot play god and change the way how viruses work. We cannot prevent all infections and it may even cause harm in the end when specific immunity decreases within the world population and then a more virulent strain is introduced. Again, shades of grey: It isn’t necessary to get infected regulary but it isn’t possible to avoid any infection indefinitely. About two third of respiratory infections occur asymptomatically. We become regularly infected without knowing it! Including covid now.

For myself I have made the experience that zerocovid advocacy leads to more isolation, not less. I needed several months to get used to going into a restaurant again without sitting on pins and needles when someone nearby coughed or sneezed, or to stand crowded rooms at all. In the beginning I measured CO2 values frequently but I stopped it almost completely. Either I prioritize the social contact or not, irrespective of CO2 values. I don’t like being in a crowded room for a long time anyway, because of my sensory issues. Sometimes it is not possible to avoid it, e.g. during holiday or at work. Life is draining enough and I don’t need it be more complicated. Life is also too short for that.

We all have lost something during the pandemic. Many people have lost their lives, by death or by debilitating chronic disease or disability. Like it or not we have learned how people act during a profound crisis like this one. Some with empathy and compassion, others with egoism and anti-socialism.

„The uncomfortable truth is that knowledge alone won’t protect you. Having higher levels of
education can actually make you more vulnerable to cognitive traps like confirmation bias
and overconfidence.“ (Caroline Orr Bueno, The Psychology of Deception 2025)

In retrospective I do not regret it to act with caution in the pandemic but to be overly confident that all the scientific information I gathered was accurate at once. I mostly regret to have missed years of more happiness and togetherness where I could have socialized with people who didn’t want to infect me purposely. Who merely wanted to clear their throat.